when i was asked by our prof in our current issues subject on what kind of psychology interests me, well i answered medicine because for a fact that i was thinking of being a doctor someday, psych as a pre-med.. but to dream of being an dermatologist or cardiologist does not seem to click well with the psychological factor, so after asking me what specifically in the medicine field of psychology interests me, i can't believe i blurted out homosexuals.. it started with that assignment, which is something controversial (and she affirmed that the topic is controversial) and it was based on my research.. i wasn't sure if that really interested me, because to be a homosexual is not an issue for me, i mean i accept the fact that people are like that and i don't have to judge them, but now i have to interview them and ask, somehow judgmental questions.. maybe it was because i was caught by my prof talking in class and it was the only thing in my mind since i researched it the night before or something else.. later on that day, i felt like i wanted to tackle on more controversial issues like the industrial psychology department, on why is it so hard to get a job these days, even if there are commercials spreading how employement rate rose compared to the past years..

another thing i hate.. every month, i get sick and tired of being paranoid.. if you get my point, yes, it's "that".. i received a phone call from him, asking me if i was feeling ok, and he insist i stop the weekly booze marathons with my friends (eh birthday eh, anong magagawa ko kung sunod-sunod?) he knows my friends and he knows i can handle alcohol without having to be uber drunk.. but he said something's up, something he lost control a few days before.. and i just wanted to freeze at that second, trying to comprehend every word he just said.. then i try to paint the picture, of what had happened, and tried to reason out "it" wont happen because of these factors.. honestly, this is getting tiring, every month this happens, and my paranoia only stops when the visitor comes every 2nd week of the month.. maybe now i have to think, that when we'll meet, i don't want it at my house anymore even if i'm so lazy to get out of bed.. because something worse might just happen.. and i will never be ready for it..

i want to do so many things.. i want to finish this and that.. i can't seem to move the way i want to (i end up sleeping waaaay too much!) my thoughts are so FULL of things, and they seem to be just thoughts, i never get to give them an outcome result or something!

- molave has gimik planned for margz' birthday next next week, i saw this outfit last week, but i am still waiting for sweldo!

- blog blog blog blog.. i get paid for blogging things i don't even like! it's starting to get annoying because i haven't received any pay for the last time i did some,my work isn't being compensated and i feel unmotivated to do more..

- well, one thing i have done is tell paola about my idea for the current issues mini-seminar thing..

- i feel so bloated, not with food or water, but with air.. how do you "pump" it out??? xD

- it's starting to get to me, my room is a mess! my sis-in-law even suggested that WE clean it up.. kahiya!

- my bathroom, a mess, as usual..

- thesis, test results still pending.. the people we talked to said they'll handle it, did they?

- ojt next week, still got no skirt..

- need to pay bes with my utang.. and patrick's.. -____- (P1,500)

- parang gusto ko mag-starbucks, mga 5 hours, mag-isa, dun lang sa couch, with 2 venti caramel frapps.. and a book or ipod..

man was created with a brain, to think of ways for him to survive, to reason out, to make things better.. maybe it's time i used my brain even i am a self-confessed super sensitive person.. i have been trying out to be numb at cetain people, why not make it applicable to most people already? the way i look at it, i cannot sulk at that incident forever, i have to move on, to make my life better.. i have to choose if i should hold on to sappy memories that will only be memories whatever i do, or go and move forward, anticipate for better things to come? all the possibilities and things i have missed out when i was in a relationship for almost ten months, i can do them now.. i missed my friends, i missed myself.. i missed doing things i used to do to please myself, like watch marathons of shows (currently addicted to sex and the city), spend money on myself without guilt or without any second thought.. for the last month, i was a bit of a martyr and given to much of something to someone else.. maybe i can do that, someday, not now, so i am admitting, i am not ready, not for anyone else.. even though i have reached 20, i;m still young, and i have to focus on myself first.. so that's my decision, but it's not wrong to look in the past once in a while, i'm just more of looking forward..

for the people who knows me oh so well, i don't sleep at night, i sleep when the sun rises then i wake up when the sun is about to set.. it's weird, and according to my industrial psych hand outs, it's supposed to be stressful.. but i am comfortable with it, some of my friends even said i can work well in a call center graveyard shift.. but i wouldn't want to end up in a call center.. any BETTER job that still requires night shift, ok..

i don't exactly wake up when the sun is about to set, i do wake up around 12pm to put the aircon on because i put it into timer before sleeping, then turn on the tv because cartoons makes me fall asleep.. and before that, check my phone for messages, people awake at normal hours, forwarding quotes or simply trying to contact with me.. and they can't.. it feels like i live in another dimension..

my actions such as sleeping early in the morning and waking up late in the afternoon, and a one meal a day and limited snacks, is not something i do unconsciously, it's a decision.. go on and yell at me, but this is how i recover from a heartbreak.. i sleep as much so i don't have to think about how awful my situation is when i awake.. my eating habbits, however, is still unexplainable, though i am always hungry.. i splurge on tiny (and weird) snacks like a slice of quezo de bola, a glass of milo, blueskies, candy, etc. my immune system is at risk, but there is no stopping to the demands of my heart of sulking with these weird habbits.. and the most hurtful to the pocket, online shopping.. nothing beats used clothes for almost half their price (or less) when bought by the seller brandnew.. it's either used once or twice.. super good condition and if i'm lucky, it's just my size.. nothing beats that sparkle in my eye when i scan those photos of clothes or accessories and i will stop at one photo, that photo of an item that i'm sure will look good on me and boost my ego and crushed little spirit..

seriously, it's a choice.. and i choose to move on this way, it's gonna get better i swear.. i'll miss eating cheeseburger meals from mcdo that which by the way, the prices have become unreasonable..

i'm in a transition stage.. the ACCEPTING THE FACT stage.. then finally move on..

i wanna go out and party..

i wanna go for a dip in a pool..

i wanna drink..

i just don't wanna be here..

it's so painful, i cannot stop the tears.. it sometimes goes out on its own.. i always try to make this better, but i couldn't find a reason to make it better, because i know it in my heart, it hurts.. and even though it hurts, i can't stop.. like a chain smoker, you can't just demand him to stop smoking and he'll stop in an instant.. it's either it will take time or he won't stop at all.. decision is all up to him.. all up to me..

"loving is so short, forgetting so long." -- pablo neruda

it's so cliche, when you tell somebody you love, whatever the circumstances are.. distance, time, etc. you'll still lvoe him/her, and probably add the most impossible word, FOREVER, depending on how you define it.. because when you're there, at that moment when distance and time is in the way, those words of promises and forever just seem to fade away.. and all you have in your hands are the memories.. it's either you hold onto them until everything will be fine again or let them go and bury them somewhere in your brain where they will just rot until you loose them in time, together, with the pain..

i wanna party, not because i wanna see someone else to replace him, i just want to take off my mind with the loud music and the dancefloor full of people enjoying themselves.. i wanna loosen up and feel better..

i wanna sink my head in a pool, it's been thinking a lot and it feels so warm and tired.. i want it to experience serenity by cooling it off.. if i can't make my martyr little heart better, atleast my head so it can still think of ways how should i function for the rest of the days..

i wanna drink, so i can numb the feeling of pain even for just a while, and all you have are my friends to carry me, take care of me, just to make sure i'm safe when i wake up from a hangover of drinking my heart out.. the friends who understand what i am going thru and how painful it is.. their mere presence makes it a bit better..

i just don't wanna be here, everywhere i look, i remember you and when i remember you, the tears just keeps coming and it gets harder everytime to stop them from pouring.. my heart can only take so much..

it feels as if i'm stuck in traffic in the middle of a storm.. no way out backwards.. no way out forward.. just stuck there for hours which feels like an eternity..